Yup, that's right. This thing a movie.
By R. David
No further explanation beyond that headline should be necessary as to why news that a “Where’s Waldo” script has been completed has landed in our FU Hollywood page. The announcement of a Lego movie a few weeks ago seemed to reach a new low in how far studios will go to rape and pillage anything – anything! – they make money off of from the public’s nostalgia for or simple name recognition of. I can accept that there are times where I may go overboard in my Hollywood bashing, letting every little remake set me off on a rant about protecting my beloved childhood properties that only I and a handful of other nutjobs care about. But if news that there is about to be a film version of a book about a guy who hides out in mass crowds of people does not make you want to take a pilgrimage to L.A., burn down the Hollywood sign and piss on its ashes in protest, you have no soul. In fact, doing any less will set a dangerous president. We throw around phrases like, “Man, people will pay for anything.” The studio that produces a fucking “Where’s Waldo” movie literally thinks/hopes/knows we will pay for anything. So, who’s got the torches and pitchforks? I’m driving.
A Battleship movie - based on the board game - will feature pop star Rhianna. And may God have mercy on our souls.
Today “Out on the Wire” adds a new feature that is, quite frankly, well past due. We all know the powers that be in Hollywood make some baffling decisions; from remaking classic films seemingly only to dumb them down for mass consumption, to greenlighting abominations like “Jack & Jill” in the first place, to allowing soul-sucking, talentless hacks like Snookie, Ke$ha, and Kim Kardashian to run way past their 15 minutes.
It’s no secret that Hollywood “jumped the shark” long ago in terms of the sort of awful ideas they will push into development in the name of the almighty dollar; but on the heels of word that Warner Bros. is currently developing a Lego movie (you didn’t misread that: a friggin’ Lego movie!) – in addition to the Battleship, Ouija, and Monopoly movies all currently in the pipeline – Out on the Wire can no longer sit idly by and not create a forum to complain about each of these mind-boggling awful ideas as they are occur.
We are fully aware that the audiences who make terrible movies, TV shows and music into mega-hits are just as much to blame for the onslaught of insipid, uninspired and downright awful product that Hollywood sharts into the marketplace on a regular basis (perhaps more so since audiences voting with their wallets determines what sort of projects these studios will continue to produce – and then proceed to immediately run into the ground), and we are also prepared for the fact that some of these ideas may just prove crazy enough to work and we may be eating our words down the road.
Still, there is much to rail against in the entertainment world, here is the place to do it. Please send any articles devoted to Hollywood’s crimes against humanity to firstname.lastname@example.org, att: Eff You, Hollywood!